Harmful Behavior

What counts as harmful behavior?

In general, harmful behavior constitutes any action which causes pain or harm in someone else. As you can imagine, there is an infinite number of actions which have the potential to cause pain or harm, and many of those actions are not necessarily intentional. At Emerge, we look at both intentional and unintentional actions which may become a harmful pattern of behavior.

The following list contains some examples of harmful, abusive, controlling, and violent behavior, as well as the effects that this behavior may have caused. If you have done anything on this list to a partner, chances are that you understand the damage that these actions can cause. At Emerge we ask group members to identify how they have harmed others so that they can work to keep it from happening again.

Have you ever hit, pushed, grabbed, threatened, frightened or intimidated your partner?
Is your partner afraid of you?
Are your children afraid of you?
Are you concerned that your behavior is harming your relationship?
Have you broken promises about changing behavior?
Have you ever punched a wall, banged a table, or broken something during a disagreement?
Have you ever grabbed your partner during a disagreement, attempted to stop her/him from leaving, locked her/him out, or restrained her/him in any way?
Do you pressure your partner to do things your way, even when you know your partner doesn’t want to?
Has your partner ever said ‘you’re always trying to control me’?
Do you use names, put-downs or swearing to control your partner?
Do you put the blame onto your partner for things you are responsible for?
Have you found yourself ‘keeping score’ of the wrongs your partner has done to you in order to hold those things against her/him?
Have you ever blamed your abusive actions on alcohol, other drugs, stress or family problems?
Have you cheated on your partner or been sexually abusive in other ways?
Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?
Are you concerned that your children are being emotionally or psychologically harmed because of the way you treat your partner?
Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?
When you do something that hurts your partner, do you just say “I’m sorry” and then expect acceptance of your apology without making any change in how you were hurtful?

u know your partner doesn’t want to?
Has your partner ever said ‘you’re always trying to control me’?
Do you use names, put-downs or swearing to control your partner?
Do you put the blame onto your partner for things you are responsible for?
Have you found yourself ‘keeping score’ of the wrongs your partner has done to you in order to hold those things against her/him?
Have you ever blamed your abusive actions on alcohol, other drugs, stress or family problems?
Have you cheated on your partner or been sexually abusive in other ways?
Have you ever been accused of mistreating your children?
Are you concerned that your children are being emotionally or psychologically harmed because of the way you treat your partner?
Has your partner complained about jealous or possessive behavior on your part?
When you do something that hurts your partner, do you just say “I’m sorry” and then expect acceptance of your apology without making any change in how you were hurtful?