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Survivor/Victim FAQ
Click on the Questions below
1) Why doesn't a victim of abuse just leave the relationship?
There are many
factors involved for someone who is being abused in a relationship. Many
times, the abuser gives empty promises to change and the victim wants to
believe they are going to make those changes. Often abusers will also be
financially controlling and a victim does not have resources to leave.
When children are involved in a relationship, a victim may not feel safe
leaving them with their abuser and cannot leave with them. Occasionally,
an abuser will threaten to kill their victim if they leave.
A common suggestion
given to those who ask this question is to consider a time in your life
where you were very vulnerable and think to yourself, at that time could
you have made a life changing decision. For victims of abuse, leaving
their abuser is a huge life changing decision they are facing during a time when their abuser is making them vulnerable. For
more information on this topic
CLICK HERE or
CLICK
HERE.
2) Aren't victims just as responsible for the abuse as the batterers
are?
At Emerge, we believe that the person who
is committing the abuse, be it verbal, emotional, or physical, is
responsible for all of their behavior. Abusers may tell victims that
the victims made them act abusively, but this is how abusers avoid
responsibility and try to shift blame onto others.
3) What if
the victim uses alcohol or other drugs?
If the victim uses alcohol or drugs, the
batterer may use that to control them by either playing on their guilt
or discouraging the victim from getting clean and sober. The abuser can
have more power if they can prevent their partner from getting help. (CLICK
HERE for more information about domestic violence victims and
substance abuse.)
4)
What if the victim attacks first or starts something?
It's important not to focus on each individual act of violence and
abuse, and to look at the larger picture. Look at the overall
history of the relationship to see who has power over the other person.
The
person who initiates violence does not always have control or dominance
in the relationship. Violence may occur in self-defense, even though it
first appears that the victim is not in immediate danger.
The
abuser may also encourage the victim to use physical violence as a
manipulative tool, so that the abuser can blame their future abuse on
this incident. The abuser may use a violent response from the
victim to justify retaliatory abuse which is severe and ongoing, and
which in no way qualifies as self-defense.
The
abuser sets the emotional tone of the relationship and controls the
topic of discussions. They may also repeatedly assert their will over
their partner's, without regard to the negative impact. The abuser
often reflects a lack of empathy for their partner, and may feel
entitled to get their way most
of the time.
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