Why doesn’t a victim of abuse just leave the relatioship?
There are many factors involved for someone who is being abused in a relationship. Many times, the abuser gives empty promises to change and the victim wants to believe they are going to make those changes. Often abusers will also be financially controlling and a victim does not have resources to leave. When children are involved in a relationship, a victim may not feel safe leaving them with their abuser and cannot leave with them. Occasionally, an abuser will threaten to kill their victim if they leave.
A common suggestion given to those who ask this question is to consider a time in your life where you were very vulnerable and think to yourself, at that time could you have made a life changing decision. For victims of abuse, leaving their abuser is a huge life changing decision they are facing during a time when their abuser is making them vulnerable. For more information on this topic CLICK HERE or CLICK HERE.
Aren’t victims just as responsible for the abuse as the batterers are?
At Emerge, we believe that the person who is committing the abuse, be it verbal, emotional, or physical, is responsible for all of their behavior. Abusers may tell victims that the victims made them act abusively, but this is how abusers avoid responsibility and try to shift blame onto others.
What if the victim uses alcohol or other drugs?
If the victim uses alcohol or drugs, the batterer may use that to control them by either playing on their guilt or discouraging the victim from getting clean and sober. The abuser can have more power if they can prevent their partner from getting help. (CLICK HERE for more information about domestic violence victims and substance abuse.)
What if the victim attacks first or starts something?
It’s important not to focus on each individual act of violence and abuse, and to look at the larger picture. Look at the overall history of the relationship to see who has power over the other person.
The person who initiates violence does not always have control or dominance in the relationship. Violence may occur in self-defense, even though it first appears that the victim is not in immediate danger.
The abuser may also encourage the victim to use physical violence as a manipulative tool, so that the abuser can blame their future abuse on this incident. The abuser may use a violent response from the victim to justify retaliatory abuse which is severe and ongoing, and which in no way qualifies as self-defense.
The abuser sets the emotional tone of the relationship and controls the topic of discussions. They may also repeatedly assert their will over their partner’s, without regard to the negative impact. The abuser often reflects a lack of empathy for their partner, and may feel entitled to get their way most of the time.