by Tati, Partner Contact Specialist
The phone is a funny instrument of communication. It
allows you to intrude on dinnertime, in the middle
of a child's first steps, or in a rare, quiet moment
as someone's staring out of the window. And you
never know which, if any, of these is going on in
that moment before you say, "Hello."
I've been doing partner contacts now for a few
years. I've talked to a lot of women. A lot of
strong, courageous women. These same women who, from
a different angle, can seem frightened and weak from
the daily struggle that is their lives. As I talk to
them, they share their histories, their current
situations, and their future plans with me. I laugh
with them, nod my head in solidarity, and I respect
that they are far wiser than I am in knowing what
will work for them in their lives.
It's easy to ask the questions: Why don't battered
women leave if it's so bad? Why would they return? I
could cite statistical evidence, I could start in on
the psychological explanations, but each woman has
had a different life that has brought her to this
point. No one story is the same, though it often
begins with the gradual loss of self, forced
isolation, and then the manipulation and escalation
of abuse to make her more dependent in emotional,
financial, and other ways upon the batterer.
From there, the stories vary. Some women have
religious or moral beliefs that have taught them
they have to endure this relationship, no matter how
abusive; some have had nowhere to run to and no
support system to help them; others have been denied
help by doctors, the police, clergymen, and her
families. And, never underestimate the powers of
hope and denial—that this is the last time she will
be abused. A woman may believe it is her fault: her
batterer is only reacting to something that she has
done or has failed to do. Or simply, that he will
change because he loves her, or because she loves
him. These stories are all the more complex when
children are involved.
Before you label these women as weak if they decide
not to leave, imagine the strength they have that
helps them put on a brave face for their children,
make excuses to their families, or lie to concerned
strangers. Sometimes a woman just needs help to see
this power and to channel it for other uses, if
that's what she wants. The best thing I can do is to
present options and leave the woman to make her own
decision—one of the many capabilities her batterer
has tried to take from her.
I dial a number, the phone rings, and I wait for
someone to answer it. I know that I'm entering only
one moment of this woman's life. My job is to use my
one moment to remind her that the rest of the
moments in her life can be what she wants them to be
.
